Monday, June 22, 2009

Here's To Dad.

My dad has always been a bit of a "different" sort of guy. Not like a bad different, just different. For starters, my dad has a really off sense of humor. Not just finding certain things that others wouldn't think are hilarious funny, but wicked humor and an ability to lie with a straight face. So, in honor of my father's wicked humor, I'm turning the tables and outting the guy. Here's to Dad.


I have always been absolutely terrified of snakes. I don't know if it's the lack of legs, the way they slither, or what, but they freak me out. My dad thinks this is hilarious.

When I was a child, there were a pair of chicken snakes that lived in the feed room at the barn. Everyone liked them because they kept the mice away. I hated them because they were huge and scary and liked to curl up by the door so they fell out when I opened it. On my feet! The way the feed room was set up, it was like a little shed that you just had enough space to step into (or lean if you are a scaredy-cat like me) to scoop out horse and cow feed. Since I would lean in, Dad thought it was a great opportunity to get me back for doing absolutely nothing to him, other than being a good little child. (Yeah, right.) So, Dad found a little stick, dipped the tip of it in water, and sneaked up behind me. He's surprisingly quiet for a man with a limp. He then ran the stick up the back of my bare leg while hissing like a snake. I jumped ten feet. He laughed. I cried. And then the trick was added to his bag of "Be Mean to Daughter" jokes and gags.

In addition to the stick-snake trick, Dad thought it was really fun to point at the very non-serpent garden house in the taller grass and shout "Watch out for the snake!" just to see me run. In fact, he still does this.


Jeff Foxworthy has a bit about finding a couch on the side of the road and using it in your house next to your spool and road cone. That kind of character is my dad. He's not really a redneck, he just has a use for everything. This is the man who will cut across four lanes of traffic (in Houston), stop the truck on the shoulder (of an overpass), and instruct for one of us kids to run and pick up that perfectly good 2x4.

"Why do you need it?" Whoever was unlucky enough to say "not it" last would ask.
"I don't know! You can always find a use for a perfectly good 2x4!" was the usual answer.

It's not just pieces of lumber, either. There is a (singular) piece of St. Augustine grass in the front yard that Dad picked up on the road.

For some reason, after a horse show, we came home with a long, thin piece of steel tied to the outside of the trailer. Why did he need it? Nobody knows. Where is it now? Nobody knows that either. The general consensus is that it most likely disappeared into what is known as "Dad's Box."

Dad's Box is an old cargo box used for shipping goods on ships and trains and such. Why does Dad have one? To store all the crap he picks up on the side of the road, obviously.


When I was in elementary school, Dad had a ponytail. That part isn't so bad, right? Well, the top of Dad's head is completely void of hair. So, not only was my dad bald, he also had a ponytail. Sure, it was only a couple inches long, but that was enough.

Dad grew the ponytail solely because he thought it would embarrass us kids. And it did. Oh boy, did it ever. He was known as the old farmer with the ponytail. Then there was the day he was feeling exceptionally cruel. He went with us to the grocery store with his hair done in pigtails. Braided pigtails. Dad start your engines, let the embarrassment commence!

It wasn't until I was in junior high that he finally cut it off. Thank God it hasn't come back.


All in all, I love my dad. He's the man who told me he pushed me off my pony when I was a child so I'd learn to fall (and I believed him!), the man who taught me to drive, and the man who took the blame when I crashed the van into the barn. He can still say it is my fault, but Mom reamed him over it. Thanks, for everything Dad!

Monday, June 8, 2009

As Seen on TV

I have a problem. Well, I have lots of problems that relate together to cause one big glaring issue. It started when my laptop power cord broke and my computer ran out of juice before the new one could arrive from eBay-land. Then, it continued when I discovered Qubo is its own D-TV channel. With my addiction to Jacob Two-Two came a startling realization. Qubo doesn't have typical commercials. All the commercials are either for Qubo shows or As Seen on TV products. I think I've died and gone to Heaven. I'm fighting to not spend my paycheck on this stuff.

My addiction to As Seen on TV stuff started a long time ago. Late at night, when I'm unable to sleep, it's like a whole new world. Chef Tony and his knives. Billy Mays and Kaboom! Set it and forget it with Ron. I know it's crap. I know it is. But I'm still outrageously addicted to watching infomercials for the ugliest purse thing ever.

The really sad thing is, I've bought some of this stuff. I think I need an As Seen on TV Anonymous club, because I own a Magic Bullet. I can do pretty much anything with the Magic Bullet. I can make an omelet. I can make a smoothie. I can make a delicious pesto sauce! And for a while I did. I drank smoothies every day for a month. And now my Magic Bullet is sitting in the box on the top of the refridgerator. I mean, it's like actual WORK to use the thing. I love it, but at the same time I don't want to have to pre-chop everything to blend it all together. It does pretty much work though...pretty much.

My former room mate bought Bumpits so that she could actually style her own hair before going out. She couldn't make it work. Everyone else could, but she couldn't. So the Bumpit is still on the fence. Maybe some people just aren't meant to have big hair.

There is absolute trash that gets to be marked with the little red and white As Seen on TV logo. This junk does not deserve that label. Smooth Away. Worst ten bucks of my life. I spent a week letting my leg hair grow out to the recommended length for optimum smoothing away and it didn't take any of it off. None of it. But I keep on watching As Seen on TV.

I have a list of things I want, as well. Never mind that it's Summer and I live in Houston. I want a Snuggie. Sure, I could wear my bathrobe around backwards, but it's just not the same. I also am addicted to baking and I desperately want to get my hands on Big Top Cupcake. Hello, 25 times the size of a normal cupcake. Who wouldn't want that? Plus it has a thing so you can put ice cream inside your ginormous cupcake. This thing could bring about world peace. Wouldn't you stop a war for a gigantic cupcake filled with ice cream? I thought so. I also want, no need, an H2O Mop. If only to encourage myself to clean more regularly.

When the show Pitchmen started I was even more in hog heaven. I love this junk. Maybe one day it'll be me up there selling the Perfect Pancake. Until then, I have my dreams....and As Seen on TV products hidden beneath the sink.