Dear
Please give me a job.
I've also done the most loseriffic thing in the world and moved back in with my parents. Yes, it is hilarious. But, the main issue so far in the few days I have been back home, sleeping on my parents' couch, is that my younger brother has also returned home from his first two years of college.
When my older sister, Elizabeth, and I were younger, the last thing we wanted was a little brother. The very last thing we wanted was an annoying little brother. Yet, we have one. As farm kids, we knew that the best thing to do when something wasn't working out was to sell it. Elizabeth had an art kit. Mom had a trip to the grocery store planned. We had a mission.
We created a sign: "Free To Good Home: Brother" and taped it to Eddie's back. Mom wasn't thrilled when people were sniggering and pointing in the middle of Wal-Mart. Elizabeth and I were threatened with grounding. Apparently, simple signs taped to the item for sale/free isn't the way to go about advertising. Now, we have the fabulous world of Craigslist to attempt to sell or give away items.
Here is the ad I am considering submitting to the site:
"Free to Good Home: The Worst Brother
Newly home from an uncompleted two years at a junior college (he is lacking an Algebra credit) we find that we simply do not have the time or patience that this particular brother requires. He is a good looking brother. He is tall and 20 years old. He has brown hair and eyes. He is fit and is a former high school soccer player (Junior Varsity Midfielder/Benchwarmer).
His hobbies include showing paint horses (horse is not included) in All-Around events, playing war/conquest computer games (Not WoW!!!! This kid is a STEAL!!), and dressing up on the weekends and running around a field (Civil War Reenacting). He also cleans religiously, but only in his areas such as his bedroom. He will leave the restroom, living room, and kitchen messy. He is quick to pass the blame and will gripe endlessly about this, however.
He also uses his newly acquired not-quite-completed two years at a junior college to showcase how superior he is to the world. Not only does this include acting superior to actual university graduates, his parents, and his siblings, but also gas station attendants, movie theatre ticket takers, grocery store employees, and waiters/waitresses. (I suggest checking your food and/or beverage for any bodily fluids at restaurants).
Furthermore, this particular brother enjoys watching his war movies such as A Bridge Too Far or WWII movies in German with English subtitles as loudly as possible in the living room, despite having his own television and DVD player in his bedroom. Sometimes he will even leave the room, and when the movie is stopped he will return and throw a world calibre hissy-fit.
He is also incredibly selfish. He will use every pan in existence to cook/burn a large breakfast of eggs, ham, bacon, coffee, and toast for himself. He will not attempt to make a meal for the family but expects any other member of the household to offer that courtesy to him.
In fact, this brother came with a warning from the parental units that he is "kind of difficult to deal with." While my mother and I went and spent an hour waiting for him to load his stuff at the junior college, I saw this for myself when he complained that I wasn't helping him move his belongings. I was helping, you see, until he couldn't pay attention to the person walking behind him to go into his dormitory and slammed the automatically locking door in my face.
This brother also comes with The Worst Cat. The two are inseparable.There is a small rehoming fee for the cat."
seriously, u are hilarious! i love ur writing! i'd totally hire u...u know if i had a job that made me important enough to hire people =)
ReplyDeletecongrats on graduating, good luck with the job search!